I started my first ADHD medication today, and I am going to blog about how it feels as a frame of reference for anyone who might be curious as well as to keep a record for myself because I have a spotty memory of this kind of thing.
I'm on fifty milligrams of Vyvanse a day. I can't say I like it much today, but I think I might need to reduce the dosage. I spent most of today feeling like someone gave me crack, my heart feels like it's ready to bust out in a long-withheld SVT attack (this medication is apparently highly discouraged for people with previous heart problems, which makes me wonder if my doctor read my chart). I am making a much larger number of typos than usual due to increased shaking (I already shake pretty badly for someone my age). I was very nervous, bit my fingernails down to way below the usual stubs and then kept on nibbling at what was left every time I forgot to stop, and I felt very paranoid and restless. I kept on moving as if I had an internal engine powering me, and felt more aware of my surroundings than usual, which means that this at least resulted in diminished hyperfocus; however, I felt far too nervous to actually accomplish anything other than panic from increased awareness of how chaotic my surroundings are. I feel very emotionally volatile, but my awareness of that feeling is allowing me to observe that without being much more feelings-dominated than usual. It's topped off by how tough a day it's been, because my daughter is extremely stubborn (I have no idea where she got it, of course) and will not go to the potty by hserself, which means that she goes on herself periodically even though she's demonstrated with some regularity in the past that she does know when she needs to go and how to take herself to do it. I take her pretty regularly, but I'm not psychic, and she knows better than to go on herself. I'm actually proud of myself for not yelling at her today because poopy panties are not very much fun to deal with, much less when you feel like you're whacked out on crack.
Later this afternoon I felt really good, though, and got the dishes done with a minimum of distraction. I might try and get some more things done tonight, but I might also keep it cool because my heart still feels very iffy. I am taking the better feeling in the afternoon as a sign that I should take the advice to cut the pill in half and decrease the dosage if I feel too much.
I do not know if I am at all comfortable with the way this was prescribed. It's a month's free sample, which is great and all, but this is still in its first year of being administered to the general public, which means that it's technically considered to be still in clinical trial. I've read about some pretty bad cardiac side effects for people with no previous arrhythmia, much less people who have problems. I kind of feel like I'm a guinea pig, like he didn't look at my chart (although it may very well be that there are no ADHD medications that treat slow brain-wave patterns that are not speed, in which case I understand), and I wish he had taken the time to explain the potential side effects to me because, even though I research these things, a lot of people don't, and sudden cardiac issues can be very alarming, of course.
I am not sure whether this means that I need to be on a smaller dosage of an amphetamine or whether this means that I actually have a serotonin imbalance of some sort. I'm also deeply disturbed by feelings that I have that, even if this is ineffective, my appetite is greatly decreased and my energy is greatly increased, which is not uncommon for people on this medication, and you know why?
It's a diet drug.
And I know it's very addictive, and I don't want to be on it if it doesn't help (and will stop if the lower dosage doesn't help within a fairly short period of time), but, at the same time, part of me is kind of chirping, "But you could lose weight effortlessly." I'm a little nauseated and not hungry at all, and I'm forcing myself to eat so that I don't just completely collapse, but I couldn't eat anything near how much I normally do. I don't even have to move much, even though I won't anyway because the cardiac effects have me worried whenever I do get moving. I just really find myself enamored by the possibility that I could lose weight just by taking this.
And I'm very disturbed by how much that really means I've internalized our society's message about what is attractive.
I would not continue taking it for this purpose; the feeling is too unpleasant whenever it's strong, and I don't want to jeopardize my performance in school with being on ineffective speed. So please don't take that as a potential threat; it's just an observation of a depressing cultural trend and how it's impacted me.
Let's see how day two goes. I've heard it takes a few days to adjust, so we'll see.
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