Intersection of rage and joy

Here there be my usual language rather than the watered-down version I generally use on here; be warned.

Yes, I know the posts have been angry and sad lately; it's because I'm not posting often, and when I post it's because something has gotten under my skin deeply enough for me to feel the need to discuss it. I am very happy in my personal relationships, my life is trucking along normally, and I'm happy.

But I'm angry. I'm angry most of the time, too, and you know what? It's healthy. Whenever injustice is the general rule, it's fucking healthy to walk around angry, instead of just saying, "Well, I've got mine, and so I have no reason to be mad."

I know it's not polite to be angry, especially if you're a woman. It's not polite to use words like "fuck" and "shit" and to look sullen and to bitch about shit like, you know, equal rights and people posting fantasies about raping you on a public forum (or privately, for that matter). It's not very nice to talk about someone you voted for as if they are shitting all over a community who supported them, even when it's true, or to call them out for going to said community and going, "I'm sorry, here's a cookie," before commencing kicking them in the goddamn face again. No, it's not very nice at all.

I feel good. I feel good about being able to be angry about DOMA and DADT even thought neither affects me (although the latter affected me indirectly). I feel good about being able to call someone an asshole for telling me that rape victims just hate men and I should shut the fuck up about how sex should be about mutual pleasure rather than a chore for women to perform for their men.

I get to be with a man whom I love who loves me, and with whom this kind of love is as easy as breathing, and I am lucky; I am lucky and I thank the heavens every single day that he is there and that my daughter has parents who love each other as much as we do and who are as unafraid to be demonstrative as we are. However, I also know that, if something happened to him, I would be allowed in his hospital room; if he was a woman or I was a man, I wouldn't be that fucking lucky. There are women (and a tiny minority of men) who don't have a partner like mine to go home to, whatever gender the partner is; they do not have a safe home to go to, they do not have gentle hands that touch them with love; they have to live in misery so that they can get the financial or emotional security they deserve to have without fear.

I know that I don't take socializing influences overly seriously anymore because they fucking bore me and always did, and that makes me lucky enough to have a degree of freedom in my life that a lot of women (and people) don't have, but I also know that, for every day I feel comfortable not shaving my legs, my daughter is being bombarded by messages from the world around her that tell her that she is less of a person if she doesn't wear dresses, act prissy, and shut her mouth when the real people (men) are talking, and that there is only so much I can do about it. I know that, even if her home is a safe place, the world outside is not.

I know that, even though I wasn't raised with the worst of the unhealthy attitudes about sex that pervade our culture, I still was raped and abused, and that there is a chance that this could happen to her. She is three years old and that is an absolute nightmare for me. (I'm not just a feminist for me, you know...I'm a feminist for my daughter, for my son, and for the women I know who haven't been taught their own value.)

My skin is white, and that affords me advantages that I hadn't really thought about until the past couple of years, but, meanwhile, there are people who can't walk down the street, drive, or even have a damn barbecue outside their house without being shot by law enforcement for, essentially, having the wrong skin color.

I am fortunate enough that my gender has never been a problem; I have never woken up feeling as if I am in the wrong body, but there are many people who risk defying gender norms because they don't feel right, and they are at a much higher risk for rape and murder.

I have friends and loved ones who are treated like they are less than human in the eyes of the law because they fall in love with people possessing the incorrect genitalia, and, meanwhile, those who claim to be "fierce advocates" are actively trying to silence them when they demand the rights they never should have lacked. People are being held in custody right now without charge because their skin color and religion and country of origin are wrong. I can't vote for anyone without assuming that they are lying out of their asses simply to get me to vote for them.

And that's not even getting into what's going on in the rest of the world.

And I'm angry, because I deserve better, and because others deserve better.

And I am sick and tired of hearing that my good fortune means that I should shut the fuck up about everyone else getting the same goddamn treatment. I have it so good in some ways (I know the areas where I have privilege and the areas where I don't) that, rather than sitting on my laurels, I am grieved that what I can take for granted isn't guaranteed to everyone else. My happiness isn't a disincentive for me; it is an even stronger imperative to ensure this is available to everyone. I want everyone to have this! I want everyone to have someone they love so much that it physically hurts to come home to, and I want them to be loved like that in return, and I want them to have enough freedom in their life that they can experience this without being weighed down by worry and despair.

And, I mean, I think that's what it boils down to. Everyone deserves to have enough freedom in their life - financial, physical, racial, sexual - that they have enough time spent without worrying to love, really love, the kind that makes you smile by yourself in the middle of the day thinking about it, the kind that leaves you with shaking limbs and tears in your eyes, the kind that makes you grateful for every step in your life, good and bad, that brought you to the place where you are.

You don't have the time to love completely if you're too busy being hungry. You don't have the time to love completely if you're too busy worrying about whether or not your relationship will be recognized. You don't have the time if you are worried about being beaten or raped, if you are harassed by the law for your skin color, if you live in constant fear of anything. I have fear in my life, but it's a healthy fear of choices that I have the ability to make (mainly involving going to college), and I cherish the freedom to fear my choices rather than the unalterable conditions of my life. I have it so incredibly easy, and I have so much joy in my life that I just want to burst with it, and I am filled with rage that everyone else does not get to feel this way, and I would not have it any other way, and I will not apologize for being insistent on this, that you can get it all at once because you deserve it all at once.

I am enraged because I love my life, even the shit parts, and I just want to share. That is the way I want to give back to the universe - to take pieces of my happiness and share them with everyone else. My way of doing this is speaking out, voting, and doing what little I can to try and get this for other people, and my impetus is rage. And it is good. Don't fear anger.