Misogyny in my life

I have had a lot of thoughts on feminism lately, partially because I am not overly engaged with other people for the most part, which makes me miss social dynamics that occur more easily to people with more people skills. It's kind of like I wake up one morning and realize that, not only have I been playing football wrong, but my opponent was playing tennis in the first place, so fuck me.

This is about my custody situation. I'm writing my side of it right now and not trying to present his. I've realized lately that I've spent way too much of my time as an apologist for my ex in this situation, which has left half of the people I've talked to about it staring incredulously at me, having read between the lines. So fuck him. This is my side. It also has a point about feminism, but it might stretch a bit to get there.

The whole crumbling of our marriage began...I don't know when. However, we agreed towards the end of 2004 that we really didn't need to be married anymore. There were many problems, among which were:

1. He would consistently press buttons, and I would consistently calmly tell him to stop, upon which he would press harder. I would eventually blow up and a) lose my temper or b) lecture him, and he would then say that I was oversensitive and he's not a kid so not to lecture him. He was the one acting like a child in the first place by this continuous need to piss me the fuck off, and so I don't feel bad so much anymore about being "oversensitive" or "lecturing" him. The problem was respect - he loved me very much, but he never respected me, and I've been in this kind of relationship before and, while I do not think he ever was intentionally abusive, this behaviour is disrespectful and abusive and he can fuck right off with his excuses about it. (Unless, of course, you think that repeatedly telling your child, who is just learning to talk, that "Mommy says moo" is just innocent fun.)

2. I did not keep the house clean. By which I mean, I worked the same job as him, worked the same hours as him (although I had medical problems that kept me from doing the more physical aspects and that also cause chronic pain), came home, and was the one primarily responsible for caring for our son (because I was the one with tits, although the whole thing was never discussed), and then did not clean the whole house (which he did not touch excepting the occasional frustrated scrub of dishes) by myself. I could have done more, but, then, I wasn't the only one.

3. I went off chasing a guy I had been with in high school. Why? He was the last person I had been with who had treated me with respect. It was incredibly, massively stupid, was epic fail, and is something I regret, but, at the same time, was a distraction that likely could have been prevented if I had been treated with more respect.

4. He decided first that he was gay, then that he was transgendered. I do not personally have any feelings one way or the other on this because it is not my life, it was not my body, and I think sexual orientation is not a moral issue - it simply is. However, both of those presented barriers to our remaining married.

5. We, ultimately, drove each other crazy. Screaming, batshit crazy. It was not good. We did not need to live in the same house and, at this point, I doubt we need to live in the same state.

Now, these reasons are mostly significant to what I'm about to say.

Our problems were often rooted in misogyny. He thought that, as the man, he had the right to pick me to death in the relationship without me either calling him on it or, later, retaliating (one time to the point that I ended up screaming "I hate you" at him one morning before work - and I have never said that to anyone else, or any other time; I take that phrase very, very seriously).

He thought that, as the woman, it was my job to keep the house clean without his assistance, in addition to caring for our child (although he did usually take care of night issues), working the same hours as him, and never going out (I could not drive at the time and, although that was not his fault, he frequently left me at home while he went out with his boyfriend). We never discussed this; looking back, it was simply implied.

He got to continue with the classes we were taking in Wicca while I dropped them so that he could continue, so he got to go out and have a social life (and to pursue spiritual development, for that matter), and I was dumped. It's not that I missed him, and it's not that I'm a particularly social person, but I wanted to scream with being trapped by myself so much. I didn't mind watching Eddie; he's my child and I love him. I dislike being trapped, however, and that was a massive problem. Even whenever we did go out and visit with the only mutual friends we had (who were also our teachers and the leaders of our coven), I was charged by default with watching our son and making sure that he didn't misbehave or get into anything, which usually meant that, while he got to have stimulating conversation, I was too busy playing mommy to get to have any meaningful interaction with adults. (This used to hack off our priestess, who noticed the tendency and commented on it to me in private once.) I still have a reflexive frustration about going out of the house to socialize and bringing either of my children because I have difficulty remembering that I have an actual helper this time around. So, essentially, my social needs, however small, were subordinate to his, period. It was my job to be the mother of his child, period, with exclusion to all other personal needs.

Now, this also ties into his being transgendered, at least, for a time. He got out of the Marines and then moved to Montana, where his family is, with his boyfriend. He did that with the understanding that I would be keeping our son. Why, you ask? Well, beyond the fact that it was simply understood that I would have primary custody should we ever divorce, I think that he, even as a she, perceived that it was his right to go and find himself. I, myself, as a person, was secondary to his need to find himself, as was his son, who stayed with his parents while visiting Montana. And, once he was finished finding himself (during which time I gave him unlimited access to his son as much as was possible with my being stationed in another state and his having voluntarily left), he pretty much decided that, okay, Eddie was his property to do with as he wished, and I would have to subordinate myself to whatever decision he made, and then he made it damn near impossible for it to go otherwise. He was allowed to have relationships (at one point he moved in with a couple several cities away and was in a polyamorous relationship with them, which isn't a problem excepting that he never has viewed me as having the same rights while having access to our child), was allowed to spend a great deal of money on hormone treatments and the like, which rendered him unable to pay for child support while I did have our son, and then expected me to drop everything that I had planned because he changed his mind in the middle of the night due to my not scrubbing his house spotless for him while I was staying there before moving to TX. I cleaned up my messes, but apparently that wasn't enough.

So he essentially trapped me into getting to stay there and keep Eddie half of the time on his terms or to go home and lose my son. I tried it his way (and, again, I adore Missoula, but the situation was pretty untenable), and it did not work. So then I came here, basically with the understanding that I would not ever develop anything remotely like a life. I would come here solely to save up enough money to move to Montana.

Well, it didn't happen that way. I fell in love. I fell absolutely, head-over-heels, irrevocably in love, because that happens to people, and the person I am with is unique enough that I don't think it would be possible to reproduce this any other way. I don't believe in a "meant to be," but I do believe that when you find happiness, you have to grab onto it, hard.

I found it. What's more is that my daughter did as well. Through this relationship (where I have, as yet, had to sacrifice absolutely nothing) we have both gained family that we love, and we have both gained someone who is absolutely irreplaceable. I cannot picture my life without him and, what's more, is I refuse to.

And it's massively unfair of him to have asked for me to preclude that from happening. I am not just a vessel that carried his child, I am not subordinate to him, and it is wrong, deeply wrong, that he asked that of me. It would also be deeply wrong for me to sacrifice any chance I have at actual happiness, both personally, in this relationship, and professionally, though going to college to get a degree in a subject of my choosing (he sneers at music, although we met as clarinetists), and, what's more, to ask my boyfriend, who has given of himself without any thought whatsoever to his own welfare, to give up any dreams that he has so that I can have a relationship with my son on my ex-husband's terms.

It's only recently struck me how incredibly wrong this whole thing has been. It's wrong that I have been expected to subordinate my personhood. I love my son, but he is loved and cared for, and I am still a human being, goddammit. I have needs. There are things that are out of my control, and I'm not going to spit on the blessings in my life simply because my ex sees me and everyone in my life as his personal property due to my being the mother of his child.

It's wrong that he has expected my daughter to be secondary to my son. It is absolutely wrong, and it has pissed me off the entire time. I understand that she is not his to think about, but I also would expect him, as a father, to be able to comprehend the fact that I have another child who is equally relevant to me, and whose needs I have to consider with equal weight. And tearing her away from people she has come to love would be wrong, just as it would be wrong to tear my son away from his family up there. (Incidentally, I also think it is wrong that he is not allowed to visit here per the paperwork, because it will not hurt him to visit for periods of time, and now he will not get to know my side of the family, or me, unless I bring everything there.)

It's wrong that he expects anyone who comes into my life to follow his agenda. It was understood before now that we would be moving to Montana, period, later. However, that is wrong. It's wrong, because I have someone in my life who has given absolutely unconditionally of himself, and I refuse to bleed him dry simply because my ex is incapable of empathy. He expects my family and anyone who comes to play a major part in my life to suck on it, because he has to have his way.

It's grossly unfair, and it all stems from the fact that, since I am the mother of his child, I am not a person, and, in fact, females are lesser people (and, in a perverse way, he played this out during his time as a transwoman as well, although I'm not going to go into that).

I am an equal person, and my having a life her makes me no less of a parent than his having a life while living several hundred miles away from our son did. I don't feel guilty for this, because my son is loved and cared for (although I'm concerned about the attitudes his father will be passing down to him).

I feel hurt because my life is poorer without my son, my daughter's life is poorer without her brother, the whole family here is poorer for either not seeing him or not knowing him, and it's wrong. I feel angry because I've just now realized how much of this stems from my being the lesser party in the relationship due to being female.

This is all wrong.