The F-ness, it burns!

I left List INTP probably about three months ago whenever things suddenly got too raw, and I found myself leaping into what normally were fun debates with emotional gusto, which was a dangerous baring of inferior Fe on a T-based list. I couldn't handle the flippancy with which some of them viewed the issues we were debating, and I was also very tired of the bigotry that a very few of them exhibit, so I excused myself because it was just too much. This disturbed me on a level, because I hate whenever I get too involved in debates that may be about grave matters but that are inherently fun to me anyway. (I used to have three blogs, one for writing, one for debate, and one for just personal life stuff.) It makes me feel off-kilter, because, while I am a person who is very emotionally engaged with the world around me, I am not normally that easily thrown by a discussion. (I do tend to very easily fall prey to this phenomenon, recorded by XKCD.) I suddenly feel less intelligent, less in control, and, frustratingly, much more FJ, because it becomes very difficult for me to articulate my thoughts without using emotion-laden language.

I'm hitting another phase of that again, where the Fe is just beneath the surface and I just can't seem to get a grip on it. It's incredibly frustrating to me. (Expect to see the word "frustrating" appear a lot, since my vocabulary has decreased by half along with my communication skills.) Very seldom do I open my mouth without fully meaning to say whatever comes out, but this morning I was dealing with a little girl who didn't want sprinkles on her cupcake, and I gave her a response that I might give Morgan in a similar situation - "Well, that sucks, but you still need to eat your cupcake." It wasn't vulgar or harsh; I said it in a well-that-sucks tone. However, immediately after it came out of my mouth, I thought, "Did I just say sucks to a kid in the daycare?" It wasn't thought of; it literally just came out of my mouth, and that never happens. I don't blurt like that.

It was similar in an argument that I had yesterday with my boyfriend. The post about the topic (not the argument itself) will go up later (I stopped working on it when he got home, and the argument started with a simple discussion of said topic), and my explanation is that he did not understand why I was pissed off at the parties in question. Regardless, once again, I found myself inarticulate and just kind of sputtering things, and I had to walk away because I could not properly explain my anger. I wasn't angry at him so much as frustrated that I could not get my point across (and also because I thought he wouldn't understand it even if I did feel that I had successfully conveyed my point).

This is unsettling and it pisses me off. Uck.