Oh, gods

I've been very excited for the past couple of weeks about beginning to teach phonics to the kids at the daycare (and writing to the ones who are getting ready to go into pre-k). It's going very well (I've been at it for two days), and it's exciting. I was going to post about that, but.

So, I was in the middle of this one handwriting worksheet with my small group of four-year-olds when one of my babies just randomly looks at me and says, "My daddy put his hands on my mommy's throat last night."

What's the appropriate response to that?

I paused to make sure that I had heard it right, swallowed, and asked, "What did you do?" I didn't mean it to be accusatory so much as a panicked inquiry as to his response. He defensively replied, "I didn't do anything; it was my daddy!"

Taken aback, I said, "Oh." Then, "How did that make you feel?"

"Sad," he replied, and then went back to coloring.

I gave him a hug. There really wasn't anything else to do, and I wasn't going to grill him or push it with the other kids there.

I can't do anything about it; there's no threat to him. I already checked. I talked to a staff member who knows the mother, and she's going to talk to her, but apparently the talk will amount to, "Keep it away from the kid."

I don't know whether it's as bad as he made it sound, but I generally take their word for it - especially when it's spontaneous like that. (Because I have, like, heaps of experience with little kids suddenly blurting out stories about domestic violence to me.) And I'm terrified.

I look at him and I see one of my babies, one of these kids that I love. And now I have reason to believe that he goes home to a place where his mother is abused by his father. I'm worried about his mother, having been in a somewhat similar situation (but with much more freedom to escape), but I'm deeply worried about him. This sweet, gentle child is learning right now that it's okay to hurt those weaker than you. He's learning that women are objects to be used rather than people to be treated with respect. And he's learning to resolve his differences with violence.

I'm terrified that this sweet baby will grow up and hurt someone, too. Or that his father will look at him and see another object to take out his frustrations on (since he's weaker). He's just learning to write the letter A, and he's learning that it's okay to choke women at the same time. Christ.

And there's fuck all that I can do because there is no (physical! !! !!!!) risk to him, or at least, no harm done (physically). I'm afraid to approach his mother myself because I'm just this white lady who works at the daycare; what the fuck do I know about her and her household? I'm not the person to tell her that she and her son deserve better, if that is going on.

Or, worse, if it went wrong, he might be punished for telling, or he might be pulled altogether because they don't want to be caught.

But I don't know how I can bring myself to just feel good about myself having told someone who will tell them to keep it behind closed doors, because it's not just about her son - it's about her, and she deserves better, and it will leak out, whether or not they try to keep it under wraps. I can't feel righteous about seeing this boy every day and knowing that that was all I did. My mom was abused (as a child). I've been abused (as a teenager). I want to scream every time I find out about someone I know or know of being abused because there has got to be a way to make it stop; I just don't know it.

And I don't know whether I'm choking on powerlessness or just silencing my own voice. This child deserves better and so does his mother, and there's nothing I can do about it unless the boy is hurt, and I would never, ever wish that.

There has got to be a better way than this.